The latest diagnosis—the struggle is real

Friends, I come to you as a seriously afflicted individual. I have recently learned/decided I have a real, serious condition. I appreciate your sympathy and support because the struggle is real.

Among the luminaries similarly afflicted with my condition is Monica Seles. I am inspired by her public admission, and as such, am following in her esteemed footsteps by staging this, my own coming out.

I am a person suffering from BED. That's right, Binge Eating Disorder. According to the commercial (which, in addition to WebMD, is the only real medical source I need to make my serious medical diagnosis), my BED may be caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain—so, yes, a factual, legitimate disease if I've ever heard the qualifications for a disease (which, of course, I have not).

Check out the symptoms of BED and tell me they don't sound familiar. Since the readership of this blog is really only close friends, family and the limited number of people tricked into reading it by me or a snake-oil-salesman-like friend, you can attest to witnessing me putting away some food!

You've surely seen me brought down by each of these symptoms (stolen directly from the WebMD Binge Eating Disorder page):

• Frequent episodes of eating what others would consider an abnormally large amount of food
• Frequent feelings of being unable to control what or how much is being eaten
• Eating much more rapidly than usual
• Eating until uncomfortably full
• Eating large amounts of food, even when not physically hungry
• Eating alone out of embarrassment at the quantity of food being eaten
• Feelings of disgust, depression, or guilt after overeating
• Fluctuations in weight

Did I eat a full, enormous lunch? Sure, but I'll still finish off your leftovers. And, what's for dinner?!
Oh, there are a dozen cupcakes? What are you going to have?
Wait, those fajitas were supposed to serve two?!

My appetite is of such lore there is even a song that is sung in half disbelief and half—I hope—love:

(Sung to the tune of Shaft)
Who is the girl
Who eats all the food
In the world?
KERN* 

Who is the girl
Responsible for all the starving children
In the world?
KERN

I appreciate, again, your empathy and support. It's only with a strong network of love that we'll make it through this difficult diagnosis and beat this disease. Now, someone get me a cheeseburger!



*- A nickname attributed to me by my dear, sweet sister in high school because I was, at the time, quite a happily without a nickname. And, naturally, since I hated it, it has stuck for all these twenty-fygwmumbleskhe years. It's actually short for Kernwaller because, sure.

Stuff's kept me away

Guys. Raising a puppy is EXHAUSTING! Remember that little poodle I've been talking about for years? Lolly exists! (Also? Lolly's a boy—Sir Walter Lolly when he's being fancy. More on that later.) And, as it turns out, it is a lot of work and pretty much all consuming. He's mostly peeing outside now, though, so I've got some time to start writing again. 

Guess what! Puppies are good for a LOT of content, none of which I captured in the blog, naturally. So, just as I live most of my life slightly detached from reality, let's go back and pretend that these following puppy chronicles have all happened within the last week rather than the last year. And, while we're at it, let's imagine I'm 20 pounds lighter and much more financially responsible! 

I've got some non-puppy-related posts to pepper in there, too, for your reading pleasure. Oh! There was also a hilariously terrible juice cleanse during my blogging hiatus that maybe I'll "live blog."

Stay tuned, folks. There's gold coming. Gold.