The numbers are dire. Dire!

The Wall Street Journal tweeted yesterday that one in five women in Hong Kong will never find a husband as the gender imbalance widens. One in FIVE!

ACK!!! What if that statistic is relevant in DC?! I would totally be the one out of the five (in spite of all my sparkly magnificence, obviously. Obviously. Please agree!)!!

This was a funny joke to me until I actually did a little digging. Now, I’m bordering on a breakdown. The news does not sound better for me when you take a look at the actual comparative numbers. As I reported yesterday, for every 100 women in DC, there are only 89 men (according to the 2010 US census). Well, get this! For every 100 women in Hong Kong, there are 94 men (according to the 2012 World Factbook)!! That’s 5 more men than in DC! And, I’m not entirely sure how the gays play into this statistical meltdown I’m about to have!

I’m doomed!!! DOOMED!!!!!

That’s it. I need to move! Where should I move?! You know what I need? I need an insider at the US Census Bureau. We need to approach this logically, rationally and scientifically—you know, the same way as I approach everything.

The Census would have broken down all sorts of population statistics by state, region, city and—important to relocation imperatives—neighborhood. I’m almost sure that all this information could probably be found publicly, but in such a panicked state, who can sift through the vast and endless interwebs and then sort through numbers?! Do you know how long it took me to put the Hong Kong ratio of men to women into similar terms as I had the DC number?! I need an insider whose head doesn’t explode facing down so many digits!!

So, please, spread the word that I am in search of a number cruncher from inside the US Census Bureau who can run the numbers and tell me, down to the neighborhood, where I should move to ensure I am not the ONE in FIVE who never gets married. I will be sitting here, with my head between my knees.

Thank you.