When “men’s” fashion fights back

Now, I appreciate a guy who is aware of his image. I mean, I’m in PR and I’m also obsessed with make-up and beauty treatments, so image is something I’m acutely tuned into myself. Sometimes, though, a guy can get a bit carried away.

I dated a guy who turned to GQ as if it were his personal style advisor. This might be a triumph for many guys, and I certainly enjoyed his attention to current trends and fashion. When we’d find ourselves having endless conversations about whether he could pull off particular looks or when, for weeks after a new GQ came out, I could count on having pages laid out for me that we’d then dissect at great length, it became more than amusing.

Some of our most frequent conversations:

“What do you think of that guy in that cardigan? Do you think I could pull off a cardigan? No, only hipster or gay guys can wear cardigans, right? Well, maybe I could wear a cardigan. No, I can’t do the cardigan look. I’d be too Mr. Rodgers. Yeah, I think that cardigan is cool, too, but I couldn’t wear that. Could I wear that? No. Cardigans wouldn’t work on me. Cardigans?”

“I think only girls and a very particular type of guy can get away with a vest.” Of course, then, at least three times a month, we’d revisit what sorts of guys actually fell into that “particular type” and whether he was one of them. Really, at least three times a month.

There were also some notable style mishaps.

One time he came over to my house after an evening out with the guys. My first reaction when I saw him was, “Whoa! Was this a theme night? Are you dressed as a homosexual gas station attendant?!?!”

His response? “This shirt is cool! Why has everyone made fun of me for it tonight?!”

Eventually, I had to admit that it was a good top. “No, you’re right, babe. This is a nice shirt. See, it looks great on me! Can I have it?”

And then there were the jeans he wore to my birthday party that have become famous. They had studs on the pockets and pink trim. Theories abound about whether they actually may be women’s jeans. He insists that they’re just especially trendy men’s jeans. Since they’re Rock & Republic jeans and were very expensive, he may be right—except that R&R also makes women’s jeans, so your guess is as good as mine!

Apparently, he ordered them online and didn’t take a look at the rear view of them on the website before he clicked “Buy.” Then, he got them, liked the way they fit and couldn’t decide whether the sparkles on the butt were a deal breaker. I’ve got several friends who still, many, many months later maintain they were.

Knowing the way he thinks—especially about himself—I know that he just really, really enjoyed how they showed off his assets, and he probably, not so secretly, really appreciated how the sparkles drew more attention to his butt. I’d agree that they did fit him well and weren't so bad, especially paired with a sequin and feather, Las Vegas-style headdress to complete the look!

Sometimes we all make style mistakes that we can appreciate as pushing boundaries or attempts at trend setting. The important thing is to have a good attitude about them and be able to laugh at yourself. Thankfully, this guy usually did. I wonder, though, after all the teasing he got that night, whether he’s ever worn the pants again—or the top I was forced to give back to him. God be with him if he has!

How did Prince Charming Communicate?

Don’t guys understand that girls just want to be made to feel special? Don’t they watch romantic comedies?! Oh, wait… So, they don’t? Well, that explains the missing magic!

I’d like to submit into evidence some of my recently received texts for your consideration. Please, if you feel beloved or otherwise special in reading any of them and I’m missing something, let me know!

A Thursday, late afternoon:

I’ll be in the neighborhood with the usual suspects tonight. Catch up with us if ur out. :-)

This was from a guy recently met. I don’t know who the “usual suspects” are. I’m also not convinced I was the only person to have received this message. Oh! Oh! So, you’ll be in my neighborhood with people I don’t know?! I’ll rush right out!

I’m also pretty sure “catch up with us if ur out” is not akin to “I really enjoyed meeting you and want to get to know you better. Let’s get together so I can treasure your company and devote my full attention to you and whether we might enjoy each other.”


A Wednesday, about 6:00 before a date:

Hope you remembered to wear your drinking pants!!

Why?! Are we going to play quarters on this date? At your fraternity house?


A Saturday night, approximately 1:30/2:00am from an ex-boyfriend:

I’m sorry I was such a d-bag. You’re a great woman.

Oh yeah, I know I am. If you had realized that much earlier on, you could have saved us both a lot of trouble and probably wouldn’t have behaved so disrespectfully. Still, this doesn’t feel like a proclamation of regret or redemption in the early morning hours after, I’m sure, many manhattans.


Another Saturday night a few weeks later, about 1:15am from the same ex-boyfriend:

KBizzle!!!!!!!!

Translation: “Are you out? Can I come over? I miss getting regular action, and since I’m not getting any anywhere else, I’m going try and weasel my way back in here.”

Really? Remember when you said you could picture your life without me in it? This is what that looks like. Not what you imagined??


Wednesday, about 12:15pm (not from ex-boyfriend):

Hey friend. What’d you think of the earthquake? Pretty wild, huh? Don’t be a stranger if you’re out in the hood. We are always out having a good time…

I’ve met you once. We actually are essentially strangers. If you really want us to not be strangers, there is a way to accomplish that: make plans! With all the effort you’re putting into casually running into me sometime, you could just arrange a low-intensity, couple drinks date, you know.

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So, sorry, boys. I’m 31 now. I’ve learned the lessons of my early twenties and don’t need to go back. Late-night “reconciliations” and happenstance run-ins do not loving relationships make—typically. I’m smarter than that and worth much more. Why don’t you try to communicate with me as if you were more mature than a 22 year-old yourself?

What happened to the good, old days of phone calls to request nice dates, complete with a suggestion for time/place/activity? I’m starting to think they’ve gone the way of beautifully scripted letters and wax seals. At least I don’t have to wear bloomers under my dresses in this day and age! But really, which is worse? I’m not entirely sure.

The name game

Sometimes (ok, most of the time) I like to play a fun, silly game of “Who Should Kristin Marry?”

The game really has nothing to do with finding a good match for me or even someone I’m remotely attracted to. It’s all in the name.

What’s the point of having a color name unless you can have a little fun with it? I love to find people with last names that if hyphenated with Brown would be a hilarious new last name for me.

For instance, I once worked with a lawyer whose last name is Cherry. Brown-Cherry would be funny.

So would Brown-Mann.

Kristin Brown-Stone.

Kristin Brown-Starr.

And forget a white Christmas; there could be a Brown-Winter!

Of course, other colors are also funny:
Kristin Brown-Green
Kristin Brown-Teal
Brown-White
Brown-Gray

It’s also funny to take the game one step further and pick out wedding favors for these fantasy unions!

If I were to marry Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (or his much younger nephew or son—although I’m not sure he actually has either), our wedding favors could be little milk chocolate White Houses (not to say anything about the Senator’s political aspirations)! If I were to marry someone with another color last name, the favors could be boxes of crayons with the two colors tied together with a little ribbon! Ha!

I think this game is just too funny. Every time I meet a new person whose last name fits with the game, I can’t help but giggle.

The lesson here to potential suitors: it may not ultimately work between us unless your name is really funny hyphenated with my last name—or unless you come at me with a really big diamond.