How did Prince Charming Communicate?

Don’t guys understand that girls just want to be made to feel special? Don’t they watch romantic comedies?! Oh, wait… So, they don’t? Well, that explains the missing magic!

I’d like to submit into evidence some of my recently received texts for your consideration. Please, if you feel beloved or otherwise special in reading any of them and I’m missing something, let me know!

A Thursday, late afternoon:

I’ll be in the neighborhood with the usual suspects tonight. Catch up with us if ur out. :-)

This was from a guy recently met. I don’t know who the “usual suspects” are. I’m also not convinced I was the only person to have received this message. Oh! Oh! So, you’ll be in my neighborhood with people I don’t know?! I’ll rush right out!

I’m also pretty sure “catch up with us if ur out” is not akin to “I really enjoyed meeting you and want to get to know you better. Let’s get together so I can treasure your company and devote my full attention to you and whether we might enjoy each other.”


A Wednesday, about 6:00 before a date:

Hope you remembered to wear your drinking pants!!

Why?! Are we going to play quarters on this date? At your fraternity house?


A Saturday night, approximately 1:30/2:00am from an ex-boyfriend:

I’m sorry I was such a d-bag. You’re a great woman.

Oh yeah, I know I am. If you had realized that much earlier on, you could have saved us both a lot of trouble and probably wouldn’t have behaved so disrespectfully. Still, this doesn’t feel like a proclamation of regret or redemption in the early morning hours after, I’m sure, many manhattans.


Another Saturday night a few weeks later, about 1:15am from the same ex-boyfriend:

KBizzle!!!!!!!!

Translation: “Are you out? Can I come over? I miss getting regular action, and since I’m not getting any anywhere else, I’m going try and weasel my way back in here.”

Really? Remember when you said you could picture your life without me in it? This is what that looks like. Not what you imagined??


Wednesday, about 12:15pm (not from ex-boyfriend):

Hey friend. What’d you think of the earthquake? Pretty wild, huh? Don’t be a stranger if you’re out in the hood. We are always out having a good time…

I’ve met you once. We actually are essentially strangers. If you really want us to not be strangers, there is a way to accomplish that: make plans! With all the effort you’re putting into casually running into me sometime, you could just arrange a low-intensity, couple drinks date, you know.

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So, sorry, boys. I’m 31 now. I’ve learned the lessons of my early twenties and don’t need to go back. Late-night “reconciliations” and happenstance run-ins do not loving relationships make—typically. I’m smarter than that and worth much more. Why don’t you try to communicate with me as if you were more mature than a 22 year-old yourself?

What happened to the good, old days of phone calls to request nice dates, complete with a suggestion for time/place/activity? I’m starting to think they’ve gone the way of beautifully scripted letters and wax seals. At least I don’t have to wear bloomers under my dresses in this day and age! But really, which is worse? I’m not entirely sure.